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|Thursday, February 28th, 2008|
|A very different kind of dream
Okay, so last night in the two hours of sleep that I got, I had very erotic sex dream. One would think that it's great to have those kind. Aside from waking up with a major boner and not having the time to take care of it, it was with a guy. Not just any guy, someone that I have know for sometime. We don't talk much anymore but we worked together for about 4 years and he knows all about me.
Now when I first woke up I was like "what the fuck" not that I'm worried about being gay, but it didn't make any sense at the time. It did however later in the day. It was full of symbolism. The most prominent was when we were fucking and out stomachs were touching. That was the most intense part. Now as many know the abdominal area is a major energy center. It's your core in every sense, it is also the most vulnerable and that's what it was about. Not only feeling vulnerable, but allowing myself to be vulnerable. Something that I cannot do right now. The other part was, I wasn't in the current place that I am now. I was back at Pats on their couch, out in the open, even though we were trying to be quiet. Pat actually walked in on us. Being caught being vulnerable.
Very loaded and intense and a very loud screaming of the subconscious and the damage that has been done and that has to be corrected.
All in all it was a nice dream. He was very kind and caring and open. It was also very phallo centric. Lots of wiener views.
It was almost an escape from my daily life and a wake up calling at the same time.
Time to get some help I guess.
This scar tissue is going to take some time to break down. I'm not very happy about that.
Anywho, a hot dream all in all. I'll take those moments when and where I can get'em right now.
|Thursday, February 21st, 2008|
I wish that I could call someone right now. It's too late to do that. I'm thinking about going for help more and more everyday. The rage and pain inside of me is overwhelming. I keep telling myself that it will get better once I get a place of my own, when all lf this is said and done, but my thoughts are almost obsessive. I try and try to keep myself from thinking about all of this but when I lay down at night all of those horrible scenes play over in my head and it's like it is happening all over again. I just don't understand how people can do the things that they do and not care,especially when they say they love you. I know this is all delayed reaction shit, not having anytime in the begining to deal with this stupid emotional shit, survival being the topic of every hour, but god this is shitty.
I'm sure that if I were able to actually go out with others I would be better but since I have to find a place to live soon before this couch is taken from me, it's more of the no fun shit. At all.
I just pisses me off that that person has nothing to worry about and can go out do whatever they want and make up lies to make me look like the bad guy. If those fuckers actually new the true side of the story they would tell that piece of shit to fuck off and die. (hopefully) I just don't know or understand how someone would want to be friends with someone who did what they did. There's no logic behind it. How could you trust some one like that. I know that they're easy but for fucks sake come on!!
I know that they opened their big mouth about me, I have proof now. I should just go after her and her family's assets. It can be done since they are a dependent again. But I need a place to live and food and my cats sick which is pissing me off even more.
The only things that I have in life right now and one of them is dieing.
My family back home is going a horrible time. My lost her job due cuts, my brother in law lost his job a couple of weeks ago and he's the main support of the family. My world is in ruins and I can't do anything about it right now.
I am so pissed, hurt, angry, frustrated, disgusted, tormented right now, without an ability to do anything about it. I dont' feel safe showing or sharing my feelings with anyone. It's weird. All of this is weird to me.
I just want something that resembles a normal sort of life. I would rather be broke and on my own than be like this.
On a better note I doing better in my classes than what I thought. And I have the hottest single chemistry prof. who seems to be interested in me
Speaking of, the other day at work a woman was flirting with me bluntly. Meaning, well here's the conversation" what did you do for Valentines?"Me: " I had classes" Her: " Why didn't you call me?" Me: " I lost your number?(jokeingly)" Then I realized what was going on. She asked my name, I told her. She took her drink and told me that she would see me later with a very big wink. Okay, so that should be very flattering but instead I was so pissed that I thought that I was going to throw up. That's how fucked up I am. And she was hot. Normally I would be standing there thinking about bending her over and pounding her, but no, I was pissed. Now I still think about fucking most of the hot women I see at work and about the day, but nothing more. I have raised my standards though. I'm going for totally straight woman. Lesbians, queer folk, and especially bi women have not worked, so the last group: the straighties. I am looking forward several more meaningless sexual encounters. No names required.
Oh and I'm not ever going to settle for someone just because they accept my "special situation".
Oh, and is seems that quite a few of the women I work with "like" me which sucks because I can't bang any of them. A little to professional and mature to do that, but I do like the attention that they give me. Especially the boob rubs and kisses.
I was told by one of my guy co- workers that I was one of the cutest, most handsome, nice guys he had ever met. Supposedly he's straight. Just a weird but uplifting moment in these dark times. I'll take what I can get right now.
|Tuesday, February 12th, 2008|
|another sleepless night
It's another sleepless night here in Jessville. I should be doing something much more constructive at four in the morning like, studying or maybe even sleeping, but I'm useless at both right now. This was totally the wrong quarter to go to school. I'm just hanging on to hope by a thread that I will be able to pass both classes.
I have no space for myself and it is starting to wear on me bit, although I have to admit that I am a bit surprised that it is not more severe. I'm hoping to be able to move in the next couple of months.
My truck is in the shop yet again for the same problem. I don't have much money left and I'm really hoping that they will not charge me since they said the problem was fixed the first time. Who knows? I am now just living day by day completely. I never have any plans because, well, I never have any money to make any. I just want this period in my life to be over with. If I had only understood what that old butch was telling so many years ago now.
It's funny that I can say those things. Thirty years is a decent chunk and the idea of adding even more astounds me.
I can't help but feel like a complete failure right now. My family is in shambles and I have no way to help. My mother is without a job and so is my brother in law and he's the main provider for my sister and their infant son.
I have decided that after I get myself taken care of that I will take care of my family. No one else. Not for a long time and if I happen to become involved with someone again, and I say it like this because my stomach still has a physically painful reaction just at the thought of such things, and if they don't understand my stance on this they will have to go. I know now that I don't have time to waste on people who are not considerate of my situation(s).
After speaking with a couple of co-workers the other day, I am seriously doubting that there are people out there who understand what devotion and commitment to another actually means. I'm not talking about the young folks, but those who it is right to assume that they do understand this concept. One co-worker was left three days before their wedding, another was left after five years because of god. Now that's a great excuse/scapegoat. No one will challenge that because people are afraid of challenging faith beliefs or lies, if you will.
I don't know if I believe in an actual god anymore. Not in the sense that so many do. I have never had any one that I have been able to depend on except my family and that is limited to a select few and god doesn't seem to care about that. I don't ask anymore and maybe that's why. I have asked for years and nothing has come of it. Thanks John, where ever you are. My life learned lessons seem to be the only thing that guides and my ability to keep learning. Working on that Ph.D. from the University of Hardknocks.
My work is flooded with holy rollers. It drives me nuts sometimes because they aren't what I consider christ followers. That doctrine is pretty plain a simple and these folks have the most amazing ways of fucking them up. Everyday there are many, many customers that come in a study their bibles alone and in large groups. Maybe they should just pick themselves up by the boot straps and take responsibility for themselves and their actions. It really irks me to see people use a really cool figure and doctrine in such ways.
This is going nowhere so now I will try to get a few hours of ZZ's.
|Tuesday, February 5th, 2008|
Okay, so the truck is in the shop. Ugly electrical stuff. Melted jumper cables just to give an idea. So with this new development, it will take me even longer to get out of my situation. As most know just when you start to get some $$ saved up something happens and your in the shitter again.
I can't seem to get myself focused on school, which is frustrating the hell out of me, but I just can't seem to get into this quarter. I think that the emotional shit is taking some kind of toll. I have lost some weight. I don't really now if that's a good sign or not considering the current situation I'm in.
However, I did have my review at work today and not only am I getting a decent raise but I am also being promoted which will up my pay even more. Pay raise begins Feb. 14th and so does training for my new position.
It was a great review. This manager is the first person in my life to actually tell me that my life experiences mean something. It may not be a big deal to others but, too me it means that my life and what I have been through is actually worth a little more than what I thought.
The emotional shit with the break up is very weird. Some of the pain is starting to fade but the shock is even greater now. I feel more numb than ever. Very strange. I know emotion, and sometimes I think that I am experiencing one but then I realize that it is more like going through the motions. Like a very rehearsed part in a scene. Sleep has not been my friend. As of right now it is 3am and I will be up around 8am or earlier and I could care less.
My sexual urges are all over the place but yet at the same time I don't want anything. Masturbation is not as appealing, although I practice it because it is more of a bodily need than anything. Feeling like you have to piss 15 times in one hour is either a kidney infection or the little guy is demanding attention. It is the latter. An urge I learned to recognize several years ago now.
I feel worn out all of the time and wound up at the same time. Again it just feels like my body and mind are just trying to force me to go through the motions.
I plan on living alone for quite some time after all of this is said and done. I think that this damage will take a while to repair.
|Thursday, January 24th, 2008|
|Moving on is hard to do
It has been ages since I last wrote in this journal. It seems to be the place where I go when things are not the greatest.
Now that I am out of the camper and couch surfer at Christian's place I'm having to deal with the emotional crap that had to be put off for survival basics sake.
I have to admit that I am hurt beyond belief and sometimes the pain runs so deep. This wound will take quite a while to heal. The trust is irrepairable.
I don't really care if I every love again. Really. I did not think that I would ever say that but it's true. My stomach literally twists when I think of such things. A true physical reaction. There is no real reason for me to want something like that again. I'm not afraid of dieing alone, especially if I am at my own home. This seems to be the biggest reason people pair up. At least in my experiences anyway. I just don't make enough money right now for me to have the desire to want something like that. Sorry folks but, that's what I have found. Money and security are the true things that people want in this life. It's not a bad thing until you destroy someone because of it.
That was the real reason behind the end of the relationship.
The only things that make feel as if I'm really alive are the sudden bursts of inner rage that I cannot direct towards the source and the occasional orgasm.
I don't really want to trust anyone right now. I can't really. I don't want to. This may fade in time but as I get older, the walls that I break down are only rebuilt with even stronger, more powerful reinforcements. Sad, but true. I think that this happens to most people. Why wouldn't it. If your house gets broken into your most likely going to find a way to secure it. Keep the contents that you cherish safe and protected.
I have a strong belief that people who do not know some of the real trials and tribulations in life, having experienced them, are at a greater disadvantage. Especially the ones that walk around touting how to handle nasty situations. I was recently asked by someone if I was happy for her, since she was promoted. A flat out no was the response. This person, having lacked the experience and lacking many experiences, went on to rail me about how that was bad for me. Not really trying to argue with her because I feel no need to justify my responses much anymore,I finally just said " the amount of trust that was destroyed" and what seemed like an original thought this person, they finally shut up. Realizing that they were walking in very unfamiliar territory and knowing how to navigate within it. This city seems to be full of people like this, especially Westerville.
My mental state is quite fucked up from living in the camper. The first couple of months were nasty at best but somewhat manageable. After that not even that good. I cannot put into words what was happening to my mind. Seriously, it was that fucked up. If you ever watch one of those survivor man shows and actually listen to what they say about what happens to your mental state that my give you some glimpse into what it was like.
I really wish that I could erase those three years from my memory. It sounds rediculous I know but so many of my memories are of that last night and the next day. I see and hear everything that happened everyday. Like some sort of ptsd. Fucked up I know. But those words and actions were so horrible. Sitting there not knowing where I was going to go. Facing true homelessness. I am technically homeless right now. The way I have been living is what the state considers homeless. Sitting there wondering how this person that I trusted and loved so much could be doing and saying the things that they were saying without a hint of human quality. Nothingness. Like it was eating cake. Doing worse to me than anyone had done before. Even Amy. Much worse. Especially after all was supposed to be said and done. Wondering if my health would hold up and being terrified that I might become very ill and either not make it or have to move back to Atown where there is even less there for me. I never once worried about Amy telling someone or anyone about me. And this one did. Amy never publicilly slammed me on a public forum. She was actually mature in those ways. This one doing this tore me to pieces. She went to the meetings saw and heard what had been done to others, how their lives were destroyed because of an irresponsible ex.
How any one could want to be her friend after all that she did is beyond. How can you tell others that you left someone that you supposedly loved with nowhere to go and with nothing all the while saying hurtful things such as "You've been through this before, I know you'll be fine" and thinking that way towards someone you supposedly loved. I could never imagine doing this to someone. Even if the relationship was in the shitter I would have had at least the humanity to make sure they were going to be okay.
However, I do know that I will never go back on the promise that I made to myself long ago, no matter how much I am in love with the person. I will never take someone back again. She left me once because she wanted to be with someone who could give her anything material she wanted without having to work for it. Never again. It was the only time I renigged on that promise and this is what happened.
Not a week after all of this my Mom fell and gave herself a real bad concussion. My sister told me that she was calling out my name all night. Then her dog was run over right in front of her and then she lost her job because her unit was closed completely. She is still without a job. Then I found out that my long time friend Raven had died of a brain tumor. All at once.
However, I am still in school and working. I'm tired, angry and depressed all of the time. I know that with enough time most of this shit will move on. But not all of it and that pisses me off. Every time I get angry about what happened I get even more angry with myself because I so bothered by it all. I keep trying to tell myself that it is okay and to take my time but I don't really have a safe place to fully experience my emotions and it sucks.
|Tuesday, September 11th, 2007|
|Wednesday, August 1st, 2007|
|You Are 68% Pure|
You're pretty pure, and you have no plans on changing that.
You do have a devilish side though... and it will probably get the better of you.
|Thursday, December 14th, 2006|
|my tarot card
You are The Hierophant
Divine Wisdom. Manifestation. Explanation. Teaching.
All things relating to education, patience, help from superiors.The Hierophant is often considered to be a Guardian Angel.
The Hierophant's purpose is to bring the spiritual down to Earth. Where the High Priestess between her two pillars deals with realms beyond this Earth, the Hierophant (or High Priest) deals with worldly problems. He is well suited to do this because he strives to create harmony and peace in the midst of a crisis. The Hierophant's only problem is that he can be stubborn and hidebound. At his best, he is wise and soothing, at his worst, he is an unbending traditionalist.
What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.
|Wednesday, September 8th, 2004|
I did'nt realize how long it had been since updating last.
It's been a busy summer.
Rich has been dead for a month now. It does'nt seem like it.
Allyssia was married a week ago.
My truck died a week after Rich's funeral. Just put a new engine in it.
The ex still has'nt paid me a dime. Even though she knows how much she owes me. She's lucky my brother died.
Trying to get back into school. Hopefully my financial aid is still available. Either way I'm getting my degrees. Sleep or no sleep.
I turned 27 yesterday. Did'nt do a damn thing.
I still don't feel like partying.
Burying my brother was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. The second, watching my sister get married. That was bitter sweet though.
Goals for the next six months:
Pay all my bills on time.
Keep the truck running.
Get through school.
Save for surgeries.
|Sunday, January 4th, 2004|
I went home this week-end and found out that my brother is dying. Six months to a year. Maybe. Renal failure due to alcoholism. He has very little ability to eat. He is almost six feet tall and weighs about 125-130. He can't remeber much of anything anymore. No dialysis because he is an alcoholic. He is 33 years old.
I'm angry. I don't want to bury my brother. Today I stopped by my father's and my other brother's graves. I started to cry. I have'nt done that in almost six months.
My brother sexually abused me when I was a kid. I forgave him today. Standing in front of those graves, all my anger towards the abuse just seemed to melt away. I want to tell him before he dies. I know that he has tremendous guilt for what he did, even thought he was just a child also. I don't know what went so terribly wrong in his life for him to end up like this.
Oddly enough, I know that he tried to be the best man that he could be. I when he goes I want him to be totally free from all of his pain. I want him to know that I have forgiven him and that I am okay. That I am strong and capable. I want to know how a child learned how to do this to another child.
I am so angry and hurt. It's strange when you know for a very long time that someone is going to die and you think that you have prepared yourself for it, you are never really ready.
|Wednesday, December 24th, 2003|
I've been on T for just over three months now.
My voice has changed a lot. I guess from what a lot of friends tell me, it sounds like I have a cold. My customers on the other hand just think I'm a guy.
Body hair is coming in every where. I have a trail starting from my pubis to the middle of my sternum. Hair on my arms and legs is still getting thicker. Anyone who new me before the start of this knows I was a bear then. I'm a blonde so, a lot of it isn't as noticeable as others but when it's wet, there's no denying it. When new hairs start to grow in, they start out as being little dark hairs and then the longer they get the lighter they become. The hair growth itches a little, kind of like when you get a hair cut and there is still hair on your shirt and skin.
Clitoral growth is crazy. It's really big. I have'nt measured it because, well it's not that important to me, (it's not the size that counts)but it actually looks like the head of a small penis. I would say it's close to the size of an newborn to an infant's size.
Muscle growth continues without much working out. I was rather big to start with, but I just keep getting bigger and stronger. My endurance has increased.
All of my fat is going to my belly. If I drank a lot I could call it my beer baby belly, but I don't.
My emotions, well I feel like I have more control over them. I am more apt to speak my mind without much reservation. I can't cry very easily. Depression is still absent. I can't stay angry for long. I don't dwell on things much anymore. I have less anxiety. Actually, almost zero anxiety.
I'm horny 24/7.
I'm on 1/2 cc a week.
|Sunday, November 23rd, 2003|
Friday Nov. 21st. Lucy gave birth to a 7lbs. 13oz. 20in. baby girl. I found out today at 3:44pm. I spoke to her a little over an our ago and heard her cry for the first time. I think that I am still in shock.
I am so happy. I still can't believe that my best friend is now a mom.
Erin was her coach and I would'nt want anyone else to have taken on that job.
The Three Furbies united once again.
I am so thankful to have such wonderful people in my life and now we have a new addition. I am so overwhelmed. I have had nine months to prepare for this but, I'm still shocked. Lucy made a little human being and it's the three of us going through this.
I will be going home Monday night to see them for the first time.
It's so hard not to move home again. It's been so hard not being there. I did'nt know that being the one who has to wander through the world to find himself, well, I did'nt know that there would be all of these emotions. I never thought I would miss my home and people this much. Life is strange like that.
I'm an uncle for the first time.
Lucy and I were roommies for a year and a half. I never thought that I would ever be this close to someone. I never thought that someone could know me as well as she does and accept me as wel l as she does.
It's just so amazing too me, the bond that I have with certain people.
For the past week she has been in all of my dreams. All day yesterday I kept seeing Anna Berger prenant. It did'nt make sense at the time, but it does now.
When I am with these people, it is the only time that I feel like I am home. Home is not a place for me. It has turned out to be the people who are closest too me. All this time I have been searching for a place to call home and it has been there all along. It's strange how sometimes you have to leave everything you have ever known to learn what is the most important in your life.
These people are my ultimate comfort. Thank you all.
I don't really know what to do right now. I want to go home. I want to buy all kinds of stuff. I want to set up a fund for this little new person in this great big world. I want to be there all of the time.
I never imagined that the invitation to move back home would be so enticing. It's all so strange too me.
I just never knew how much people cared and liked me. How true people can be. Pure, unconditional love is amazing.
Good job Lucy. I love you all.
|Thursday, October 9th, 2003|
I need a long road trip. It's so hard when that old wonderlust strikes. I just want to up and leave for a week or so. See something new. Different people, places, ect. That's what I loved about backpacking in Europe. If I wanted a different city, or country for that matter, everyday. Sometimes I just feel like I am stuffed in a very small space. I've been trying to figure out ways to save for trans. stuff and other life related things. I love to travel and all of this trans. stuff is really hitting the pocket. I want to save for so many things, but unfortunately the money will only stretch so far. Positive thinking.
Incredible. I started my weekly doses of 50ml every 7 days. So far it's really good. I'm not out of control hyper like the first 2 weeks. I have been on testosterone for a month now. I can't believe that it has been a month all ready.
The mental changes have been the most amazing for me. I am so happy. I still get upset,sad, and angry, but these emotions don't rule my life anymore. It's so wonderful to have peace in my head and heart.
The physical changes are still pretty much muscle growth, lower body hair growth, and vocal fluctuations.
I really am enjoying watching my body grow. It's beautiful and for the first time in my life I'm not in a hurry to see things happen. Oh now every once in a while I'll get a little wild hair and start to get a little impatient with things but then I remember to enjoy it. I hope that this dosing method works out well. Again, so far I am happy with it.
Hormones have also done wonders for my relationship.
We are still better than ever. Thank you kitten for everything.
|Wednesday, September 24th, 2003|
Started school today. It went rather well. I'm still a little nervous about it because more people know me than I thought. Hopefully I won't have any problems transitioning during school. I had my second shot, self injected on Tues. 23rd at 10:45am. Did'nt hurt at all. I then drove to Indiana. The effects were a little different this time I was as hyper until much later in the day. Today the same thing. But I still feel incredible. I have not smoked in two weeks or more. I can't, I get very light headed and sick when I do. It's great. My emotions are still very under control. I can still cry. That's very important to me.
I had my first blow up today, but it actually felt good. I raged for about ten minutes and then it was gone and I felt great. Before I would have been angry for hours.
I feel so together and on top of the world. I have very little if any self doubt. It's amazing.
My head is so clear.
I will be self injecting 50ml. every seven days to avoid mood swings. I think this is easier on the body. There will not be as much chemical fluctuation.
My energy levels are still great. My body is growing and requires much feeding and rest. Leg cramps yesterday.
My body seems to love it. Blood pressure was 122. I will have to exercise more and watch my food intake even more closely. I just don't want any problems.
When I get upset now I don't think of self destructive ways of dealing with my problems.
This is all so beautiful. Life is good. I need more sex though. Current Mood: complacent
|Thursday, September 18th, 2003|
The T has taken really well to my body. I'm still happy all of the time. My body hair is starting to grow and it feels like bugs are all over me. I noticed a little more hair on my legs today. My shoulders are thicker and people are really percieveing me differently. Maybe that last part is just my attitude. I have very little fear of anything and everything. The mental changes have been incredible. My next shot is in 7 days. I'm going to ask the dr. If I can go to every week instead of every two weeks. I think it will be better for me. My voice is all over the place. Now I can't reach the higher octaves. I'm not a baritone or anything it's just that my voice will no longer reach the higher octaves. The libido has'nt been to bad. There has been substantial growth down there though. It's huge. I think the uncontrollable urge to have sex will hit in the next few weeks. I become aroused very easily now. Actually I am having intense Physical reactions. As each day goes by I feel more like a man.
I feel so good. My life is so different now. It's amazing what that little bit of fluid did for me.
A** is going to try to go to my next drs. appt. so she can tell him about my magical transformation.
Life is good. Current Mood: sleepy
|Tuesday, September 16th, 2003|
Not only did I start T, but I started it the day before my birthday. 2 hours after my shot I was so full of energy. That energy has not subsided as of yet. My depression is gone. I have'nt thought about killing myself or anything related to death for that matter. It's wonderful. A** loves it. I just can't get mad. If I get upset a little all I have to do is talk about it for a minute and it all goes away . I really feel like a kid again. Only smarter. My metabolism seems to finally be working right. Whenever I eat I get a huge burst of engery for hours and then I'm hungery again. My muscles are growing and I have a new body part. I did'nt expect that one for a while. My voice has been trying to do stuff since the 2nd day. Now it is actually sounding different. My skin is itching so I;m guessing that even more hair will be growing. I am so happy. I did not know that life could be this nice. My body has taken so well to this. I can no longer smoke . My body is completely rejecting this practice and actually my cravings have been so minimal since I started T. I had no idea that I needed this so bad. I feel so great.
I am truly greatful for A**. I had no idea how horribly depressed I was and she wheathered the storm with me. Thank you so much my beautiful one. I love you. Since my mind has not been filled with horrible and morbid thoughts I have been able to think of other things and feel even more loving and thoughtful.
I am finally home.
|Thursday, August 28th, 2003|
Today was fucked up.
I got my letter to start "T". Dr. Ventresca will be my pcp. Found out I was approved for insurance. Made appointment for the 9th of Sept. 10:30 am Sounds good so far. Tried to tell my Mom, was interrupted. Everything went to hell from there. Right now life really sucks. I also feel like shit. I had not even thought of this day every turning out like this. Trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. I have noone to talk to about this I tried noone was home and noone returned phone calls or requests. I feel completely alone. Perhaps I am just supposed to be alone. Just like my Mom. I am hurting so bad. I feel as if my heart has been ripped from my chest once again. I don't know who to trust. God this sucks. I know all things heal with time, but come on. Why can't I have just a little peace inside. I probably sound like a drama king and a cry baby, but I can't even cry anymore. This seems to be my only outlet.
THE FUCK UP
|Tuesday, July 8th, 2003|
I've decided to go ahead and start "T". I hope by september. I talked to the guys the other night at group and they really cleared stuff up. I've never had someone look me in the eye and tell me that I may not be around in a year. Getting over this fear has helped so much. Since that night I have not dreaded a new day. I am currently composing a letter to my mother. She's not handling it very well. I need to get her to some meetings before I start "T". I am so happy. I'm still confused about a lot of things in my life, but I think things will be okay. Fear rules so much of my life. I'm working on it though.
|Tuesday, May 6th, 2003|
|frustrated or something
This gets worse everyday. Ever since I can remember I have wanted to just rip out of my body. Explode into creativity. I feel like I am trapped. I can feel these creative rivers flowing through my body but I have no idea how to let this fluid flow free. I have always wanted to perform something, anything. I just want to release this. It just builds up until I almost can't stand it. I want to beautiful in this. It just drives me crazy. I can see myself on stage, be a great performer, but I am way to frightened to be on a stage. I can just see myself doing something great, a great performance. Something, anything, I don't know what is holding me back. arrghhh!!!!!!
|Tuesday, April 8th, 2003|
Well, I received my first binder this week. I love it. When I look down they are no longer visible,when I moved I don't feel them. It's great. I never knew how much I truly loathe them. I looked in the mirror the other night at work and saw how I looked. I could'nt beleive what I was looking at. It was an image that so closely resembled the image that has been in my head for so long, the image that keeps me from looking at myself in mirrors because I become so depressed. I just wanted to stand for ever and look at myself. I have felt so confident,so sure in the last couple of days. I have never felt this way before. What I always thought was confidence was actually armor. It was false. I feel so light. I can't beleive what a burden they have been for me. I don't know what I'm going to do when the real physical changes start to take place. Current Mood: complacent